26 Cent Stamps And Other Ways to Raise Money

Yesterday, the Post Office announced their annual postage cost increase. Was it always annual? I seem to remember a time when you could rely on stamps as one of the Great Constants In Life, along with the cost of a large cheese pizza, a bottle of Prell, and movie tickets. Of course, I remember this from a time when I did not regularly purchase my own food, entertainment or personal hygiene products.

In May, stamps will increase from their current 47 cents to 51 cents. Oh, and postcards will be going up too, but I didn't pay attention to that.

To justify the hike, the Post Office claimed: 1. postal rates are pegged to inflation and independent of need, cost of service or any such un-democratic, pro-pragmatism measure. And, contradictorily, 2. Postage demand has fallen over the last few years, so they aren't hauling in what they used to. Because when a retail establishment begins to lose customers, the standard reaction is to RAISE the prices. In conclusion, says the Post Office, the postage-consuming public should be grateful they did not raise the price even more to actually reflect the cost of doing business, because then we'd really be hurting. Or rather, Grandma, who still sends us birthday cards with $3 inside, would be hurting.

Because I'm not the sort of person who criticises without providing my alternative solution (don't those people irk you? Don't you just want to strangle those people? Wait, are you one of those people? Never mind...), here are my suggestions for Post Office fundraising:

1. Sell VIP passes to a Post Office Frequent Mailer's Club, complete with secret entrance and expensive refreshments. Those willing to pay for the privilege get to avoid the hoypoloy in line and receive "concierge" service in a dedicated private lounge. Maybe there could even be a bouncer. Hey, it works for United Airlines.

2. Throw the Mother of All Bake Sales. Girl Scouts, the Salvation Army, the SPCA, Wilbur the Homeless Gentleman, they all make money standing outside the Post Office peddling cookies, guilt relief, dog treats, or their dignity. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? I hear Wilbur pulls in a respectable six figures.

3. Hold a lottery to select the next stamp subject. Charge $1 per chance to win the right to choose a stamp honoree. It could be yourself, your hobby, your pet, your left big toe, no limits! Inclusion is very democratic, don't you think?

4. Start one of those "Executive Salary At Home" businesses advertised on median strips and telephone poles everywhere. I mean, the Post Office already spreads junk mail all over the country, why shouldn't they telemarket a little on the side, to make ends meet? "Want to earn six figures? Contact Wilbur."

Actually, since I do all my bills on line now and I've mailed all my wedding thank-yous, I don't have a vested interest in postal rates anymore. I just might take myself up on that bake sale idea, though...